Harry, I am Your Father
by Faust VII
Summary: Sirius is Harry's dad. But there is a completely reasonable and logical explantion including how Harry's mother didn't cheat, Lily isn't his mom but actually is, and Dumbledore is quite senile. Crack Fic. Humor. I Do Not Own Harry Potter.


**I Do Not Own Harry Potter.**

**Warning: Crack. **

.-.

"So what you're saying is that Sirius is my father." Harry said after a long silence.

Dumbledore nodded solemnly while Sirius just gazed at Harry hopefully.

"Yes m boy." Dumbledore said twinkling.

"So he knocked up my mum?"

"Yes."

"So my mum cheated on my dad with Sirius?" Harry said, eyes widening as he considered this.

From what everyone had told him his mom had been loyal and smart and brave. No one ever had anything bad to say about Lily. Not the type of person to cheat on another.

"I think you're confused my boy." Dumbledore frowned. "You father is right here. Your mum could not have cheated on him as he's the only man she ever had romantic entanglements with."

"What?" Harry blinked, confused. "But what about James Potter? Wait! Does that mean I'm not a Potter? Though I guess I'm still a half-blood."

At least something was the same.

"On no!" Sirius quickly shook his head. "You have Potter blood in you. Your last name is just legally Black. And you're a pureblood."

"But my mom was a Muggleborn." Harry said confused out of his mind. "And what about James Potter?"

"I think you're confused my boy." Dumbledore repeated.

"Bloody hell, of course I am!" Harry hissed.

Dumbledore ignored the outburst and continued on.

"You're mother was a pureblood." Dumbledore said. "One of the old families. I'm sure I've told you that myself more then once."

"This is the first I've ever heard of Lily Evans being a pureblood." Harry frowned.

"What?" Sirius frowned, confused. "Now I'm confused. What does Lily have to do with this?"

"She's my mother." Harry blurted out. "You said you had me with her, obviously making her cheat on James whom she apparently never had a romantic entanglement with!"

Both men stared at him. Then Sirius burst out laughing. Dumbledore chuckled softly also, hiding his hand behind his mouth as he twinkled at Harry.

"What?" Harry demanded. "What's so funny?"

"You think… me and Lily?" Sirius giggled. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Oh, so now the two people I've always been told were my parents, and who died for me aren't!" Harry threw his arms in the air. "Who the hell is my mom then?"

"Jasmine Potter." Sirius said blinking.

"Jasmine Potter?" Harry blinked right back. "Was she my dad's long lost sister or something?"

"My long lost sister?" Sirius frowned, confused.

"I mean was she James' long lost sister." Harry sighed.

"Huh?" Sirius said in confusion.

"Oh!" Dumbledore blurted out.

The other two turned to face him. He gave them a sheepish smile.

"I had forgotten to inform Harry."

"What?" Sirius blinked. "You did? How could you forget that!"

"Forget what? Tell me what?" Harry demanded.

"Harry my boy," Dumbledore said seriously. "James and Jasmine Potter are the same person."

Harry stared at him in the silence that took over the room.

"So James Potter was a transvestite with a split personality or something?"

"No." Sirius shook his head. "James Potter's real name was Jasmine Potter. She always thought the name was to girly and made everyone call he James. A tomboy through and through. Drove her parents mad when she refused to wear girl's clothes, even the girl's Hogwarts uniform."

"But…but…" Harry floundered.

His dad…well James Potter was a girl?

"So the person I've always thought was my dad is my mum, and my godfather is my dad?"

"Well technically I'm your dad, and Remus is your godfather."

Harry groaned and cradled his head.

"What about Lily then?" he asked suddenly.

"What about her?" Sirius blinked.

"How is she tied in? I know she married Jame-Jasmine Potter! I saw their wedding photo."

"Well yeah. She and your mum were married."

"…What?"

"Jasmine Potter was bisexual." Sirius said. "We dated in fourth year and then she fell in love with Lily. They got married after Hogwarts. They wanted a kid though and I volunteered to impregnate James as Lily won the rock, paper, scissors match to see who would carry you too birth. When you were born Lily performed a blood adoption to make you her son also. It's how you got her eyes while you got James' hair and my chin."

Harry stared at Sirius long and hard. A silence fell over the room.

"So James Potter is really Jasmine Potter, a girl. Lily, my second mum, was a lesbian. You are my real father and still sound like you have a thing for my first mum. Dumbledore has been hiding this from me for years because he forgot. Remus is actually my godfather. Most other people still think James is a guy. Anything else I missed?"

"Nope." Sirius chirped.

"Okay then. I'm just going to go out and get wasted then go and try and convince my friend this is real." Harry said standing.

"I'll come!" Sirius jumped up. "It'll be a good father-son bonding thing. And I can tell you a bunch of funny stories about your dad…sorry, your first mum."

.-.

**The End.**

**Crack-ish. I've read a bunch of stories where Lily cheated on James or such or where Sirius was Harry's father. So I thought I'd do a different story and mix things up a bit. Was quite bored when I wrote this. **


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